Having brand new experiences with Scarlett seem to be easier than things we’ve always done together. When following routine or going on outings that are typical for us it’s like we’re haunted by a neon sign flashing “Hey, you’re missing one.” It’s hard not to think Scarlett should have her best friend there with her. Memories of Blake play like movies in my mind while I’m trying to be present for whatever is happening in front of me. I love the memories. I want to think about them, and don’t want to forget even one thing… but they’re all painful.
Last week Scarlett kept asking us to go to the Children’s Museum. We’ve dodged it a few times and haven’t yet gone back there since Blake passed. We have an annual pass, but knew it would sting just walking through the doors. We did it anyway… for Scarlett.
Of course there were countless memories, some with nearly every exhibit. Rob and I would just shoot each other looks. It didn’t feel right to be there without our lil guy. We just wished he could be with us.
Together we went up to this creative structure upstairs. We had played on it as a family of 4 before, but never went into one room. I overheard a woman tell someone else, “It’s a pitch black room with spoons on the ceiling.” Odd…but Scarlett was interested.
There was a small door you had to crawl through. It led to an even smaller door. Then an unlit crawl space. It felt like a gamble to keep going on all fours without knowing what’s ahead – we might as well have had our eyes closed. We kept going and arrived in a completely dark room. Scarlett found a little window which let in some light. You could then see the walls all painted in black and thousands of spoons hanging from the ceiling. There was an eerie beauty as they glistened with the slightest amount of light. And then we noticed it. Scarlett opened the small window a bit more and there was ONE single thing painted on the wall of this otherwise entirely black space… a lizard. I sat on the floor with my back against the wall and tears streaming down my face. In that moment and through the darkness, it was clear. He was there with us.
Miss you so much Bockies.
#forevergrateful #ForBlake #teamblake #iloveyousmoochie